million_star | The Real-ish World: Panic Station

Title: The Real-ish World: Panic Station
Author:

millionstar
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: R
Warnings: Language, and crack. Oh, I can not stress that second one enough. Crack!fic ahoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse, no profit is being made, and this is complete fiction. No offense is intended.
Beta/Support: The divine

dolce_piccante, whom I have spammed the hell out of with this fic. Thank you! <3
Author's Note: Silly crack!fic in which we examine how The Real World (or a similar reality show) would be if it were saddled with the cast from the Panic Station video as the housemates. Special thanks to

whiteapricot, who didn't run screaming into the night when I mentioned I wanted to write this. \o/ As always, if you choose to read, I hope you enjoy. Thank you.

Announcer: "This is the supposed, probably fictional story, of six dudes who aren't strangers, who were picked to rock in a Tokyo club, live together in a fabulous house, and have their lives taped to find out what happens when Muse members and video co-stars stop being polite and start getting real.

This is The Real-ish World: Panic Station."

---------------------------------------------

Interior, phone closet - two months in to their social experiment, our cast members have begun to experience frustration with their housemates quirks, despite their best efforts to simply coexist peacefully.

"Are you gonna be on the phone all fucking day, bro?" T-Rex complains, as he attempts to cross his arms in frustration before he realizes that they're not long enough for him to do so. This only further enrages him until the bassist raises one eyebrow and puts his phone call on hold.

"Did you just call me bro?" Christopher asks, amused beyond measure. "Because holy shit, that's fucking adorable."

"Did I stutter?" T-Rex replies. "And I am not," he stomps his foot, the entire house shaking, "adorable! I keep telling you not to call me that! I am a legendary killing machine and could rip your face off with one claw!"

Christopher's eyes narrow. "Are you threatening me? Aww, cute!"

T-Rex isn't prepared for the look in Christopher's face so he backpedals, not wanting to experience his rage firsthand. He laughs nervously and backs away, his short forearms in the air. "No, no, not at all. Dude, I need to call and order pizza."

"Okay, listen, yes, I am going to be on the phone all fucking day, I have a wife and kids who I miss desperately and I haven't spoken with them properly in a week. It wasn't my idea to surrender our personal mobiles during all of this and I think that talking to my wife is a little more important than you ordering pizza. Don't you agree?"

"Haha, sure, bro, all good!"

Cut to T-Rex, in confessional: He sighs sadly. "I hate it when they call me adorable. I'm not adorable. I'm not. I am legend, the last of my kind! I am unstoppable! What does it matter if I like My Little Pony or if I like to watch romantic comedies, or if I like long walks on the edge of an active volcano under the stars? I am... I am..." He sighs yet again as he catches his reflection in the tiny mirror on the wall and turns back to the camera "Oh god, I am adorable!" he whispers, horrified beyond measure. ""Mother fuck."

Downstairs, interior - den area:

"Christ, I keep slipping in these random ink spots you keep leaving around everywhere," Morgan exclaims, examining his legs beneath his schoolgirl outfit. "Can't you do something about that?"

"Well, gosh, I don't know, sunshine," Octopus comments, calmly working a sudoku puzzle as her voice drips with sarcasm, "can't you do something about the ring of hair you leave behind in the bathtub after you shave your fucking legs? Actually, wait - just leave it, I've been wanting to take up knitting."

"Are all octopi as bitchy as you are, or are you just an unusually special snowflake?" Morgan replies, smiling sweetly as he adjusts his wig.

"Call me bitchy again and I'll shove one of my tentacles up your ass-"

Cut to Octopus, in confessional: She is filing her tentacle with an emery board: "Why am I doing this? Simple, the money. Plus, it's good exposure, and a girl wanting to make it big as a showgirl needs all the help she can get. Once I'm out of here, I'm off to Vegas to make it happen, I just need to decide on a stage name. I'm thinking something like Luscious, or Juicy or some shit. It will be worth it in the end, I just need to remember that I can do this, that the creatures in this house are just idiot humans. I do like T-Rex, though, he's so fucking cute, acting all tough when really he's a sweet dollface. I just wanna hug him!"

"-besides, look. If you'd been violated by Matthew Bellamy in a spontaneous conga line, with said violation caught on tape and saved for all the world to see whenever they like, you'd be angry too, okay?"

"I wouldn't be. I'd enjoy the ride, darling," Dominic winks, swooping by to steal an apple from the kitchen table before disappearing into the back of the house. Morgan and Octopus catch each others eye and grimace.

Octopus bites her lip. "Oh, fuck. You think they're gonna go at it again? I barely got any sleep last night as it is, man."

"Well, I was gonna go to the store, I need a new razor, you wanna come with?" Morgan asks, grabbing his keys, "better than listening to Matt scream that he wants it harder." He yells to the next room, "Yo, T-Rex, you want anything from the store?"

"Mountain Dew! And, get me some of those dinosaur shaped gummy fruit candies, too!" he replies. "Love those things!"

"See?" Christopher yells, "fucking adorable! Told you!"

T-Rex roars in frustration, causing part of the roof to cave in.

(Nobody notices.)

Later that night, Christopher, Morgan, and Octopus are gathered together in front of the X-Box playing video games, Dominic is reading the latest issue of Modern Drummer and T-Rex is at the kitchen table eating a peanut butter sandwich, awkwardly. Matthew chooses this moment to stumble into the room, immediately walking into the small end table in the doorway, smashing his knee.

"Balls!" he exclaims, hands rubbing his knee, "that fucking hurt!"

"Are you ever, ever gonna take those stupid Madness glasses off?" Dominic wonders aloud. "You are always falling over shit or into shit or something and it's because you can't fucking see anything, you douche. Keep it up and you'll break a leg, asshat."

"What are you, a walking insult dictionary, wanksock?" Matthew laughs in the drummer's direction.

Dominic gives Matthew the middle finger. "I'm shocked you know what a dictionary is. That's a big word to wrap your mouth around... although you're good with big things in your mouth, aren't you, saggy gonads?

"Fellas, don't fight, please?" T-Rex begs, wringing his hands together nervously.

"Best to let them get it out of their system," Christopher interjects, eyes still on his video game, "believe me, just sit back and enjoy. That's what I do."

"He's right," Morgan agrees, "sometimes I take pictures if I'm really bored."

"Have at it, you bastards!" Octopus shouts, "I'd love to see a good chickfight."

"The glasses are awesome, Dom," Matthew continues, "and therefore, I am awesome in them. The awesomosity level in the house just went up three hundred percent, actually. If you want to really think about it, all of you just might drown in awesome before the night is out now that I'm here. It's called logic, you should try it sometime," he walks up to Dominic and sticks his finger into Dominic's chest, "dick."

Cut to Dominic, in confessional: He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands: "Look, I know. Thing is, I love the bastard. Doesn't mean that I don't want to sometimes smack the smug look off his face, though. Fucking Madness glasses. He won't even take them off when we're doing it! He stumbles around in those dumb-as-fuck platform trainers like they're actually sexy or something and," Dominic pauses, a faraway look in his eye as a small, dreamy smile appears on his face, "well, they've got their moments. I mean, they did last night - they provided good traction. I wonder if Matt's still got the rug burns on his knees?"

"Oh, fuck you," Dominic spits, tackling Matthew, the two of them falling to the floor and rolling around. Squeals and screams can be heard as they fight in what can only be described as a particularly interesting fashion.

Cut to Octopus, in confessional: "Ohmifuckinggosh, that fight was the best thing I've ever seen in my life. You cant make shit like that up, man. I knew they'd fight like girls. I knew it."

"No, fuck YOU and your stupid fucking... hair," Matthew yells, until Dominic covers Matthew's body with his own and whoops victoriously.

"Lamest. Insult. Everrrrr," Morgan huffs with an eyeroll, Valley-Girl style, Christopher laughing as they exchange a high-five.

Cut to Matthew, in confessional: He fluffs his red chicken coat and makes himself comfortable, adjusting his Madness glasses: "The name-calling incident? Please, that was nothing! Dom is everything to me, and he always will be, he knows it and I know it. I'm not a dark person, after all. Still... I have to admit that I have a ridiculous amount of fun pushing Dom's buttons, like it's almost criminal how much I enjoy it. It's all about biding your time, yeah? I'm still waiting for him to figure out that I wanked into his bottle of conditioner last week." The mere memory causes him to launch into a set of manic giggles.

"Get off me, bitch!" Dominic yells, narrowing his eyes as he stands up. "And leave my hair alone, I don't know why it's sticking up like it is! My head is fucking itching and it's driving me crazy!"

Matthew blinks for a beat, then his face becomes the picture of sincerity as he nods. "Maybe you need to switch shampoos or something."

T-Rex nods excitedly. "Yeah, that! What do you say we go for pizza and to the store, I'll drive, guys! It'll be fun! I never did get my pepperoni and pineapple pizza and I'm starving! Oh dear, it'll go straight to my hips but who cares!"

Matthew and Dominic look at each other and then to T-Rex. Matthew opens his mouth to speak but seems to think better of it. Dominic glances curiously at T-Rex. "You can drive... I mean, no disrespect, but you can drive with those arms?"

T-Rex rolls his eyes. "Bro, by 'I'll drive' I mean that you two will ride on my back."

"No shit?!" Matthew exclaims, excited. He and Dominic nearly fall over each other in their haste to climb aboard T-Rex's back.

Christopher, in confessional: He shakes his head as he pinches the bridge of his nose: "Someone get me the fuck out of here."

-----

Announcer: "Next time on The Real-ish World: Panic Station!":

Cut to T-Rex, in confessional: "If you had told me that I would get arrested for drunk driving just because Matt and Dom got me plastered at a strip club in downtown Tokyo, then rode me around the city until I crashed into a vending machine, I would have said you were a crazy person. I am so ashamed, what will I tell my mother?!"

Cut to Matthew and Dominic, in confessional together: Matthew is in Dominic's lap, the two of them clearly intoxicated. They look at each other, kiss deeply and when they part they burst into drunken laughter and exclaim at the same time: "Best. Night. Everrrr!"

Current Mood: anxious

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

easilyerased.livejournal.com

WHAT IS THIS MAGNIFICENCE?????! YES. ALL THE YES. JIZZ IN THE CONDITIONER. ADORABLE T-REX. MORGAN SHAVING HIS LEGS. I CANNOT. I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH THANK YOU FOR THIS <3333333333333

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The Real-ish World: Panic Station

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