million_star: ((Matt: Orgasmic))
[personal profile] million_star
Title: Proof of Fucking Ownership
Author: [ profile] millionstar
Pairing: Belldom, Non-AU
Summary: In which legal documents are presented to Dominic. Total crackfic.
Rating: R, simply for swearing.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Matt or Dom, no profit is being made and this is fiction.
Author’s Note: Just a drabble, in light of the photo of Matt and Dom eating together, and a request from [ profile] amusedinred for Matt to draw up official ownership documents regarding Dom’s ass. If you choose to read, thank you, so much. I really do appreciate it.

The restaurant was small and quiet, with an intimate vibe. It was the perfect setting for a pre-gig meal. Matthew and Dominic were happy to have a few moments to themselves on such an important, and busy day.

“Just a few hours to go. Are you nervous?”

Dominic considered Matthew’s question; he shrugged, a soft smile on his face as he pushed the food around his plate. “Maybe a little. It’s exciting, though. You?”

“Nervous as fuck. But it’s a good nervous, you know? I’m excited to get back on stage, it’s been too long.”

“I have something for you.”

“Not here, you arse,” Dominic glared, whispering as he glanced around the small restaurant. “Besides, we don’t have time for that.”

“For once,” Matthew laughed, “I don’t mean that.”

“Fair enough.”

Matthew handed Dominic a gold-colored, thick envelope. “Here.”

“What is it?”

“Open it, Einstein, and you’ll see.”

Dominic put down his glass of wine and did as he was instructed. He soon found himself holding what looked like a legal document.

Affidavit of Fucking Ownership

Planet of Earth
State of Cydonia*

*not really.

I, Matthew James Bellamy, resident of Earth, being of legal age, a sound fucking mind and all that other shit, do depose and proclaim for all the motherfucking world to know that:

Description Of Fucking Property

I am presently the owner of the posterior and lower region (heretofore known as “Ass” - sometimes referred to as loveseat, or sex muffins) of one Dominic James Howard, as recorded in the heralded annals of my admittedly glorious inner psyche.

Fucking Ownership

I fucking acquired ownership the Ass some years ago one night during a really hot rimjob. Fuck you, I don’t know the exact date. It doesn't matter - I’m not on trial here. For legal purposes, we can state the release date of the public declaration (i.e. the legal release of the lyric “You ass belongs to me now”) as being in the year of our Spacelord 2015, the 12th fucking day of March.

Fucking Possession

I have remained in continuous, open, peaceful (except for those times when Dom wanted to get kinky) and notorious (if you only knew) possession of the Ass since the aforementioned fucking date that I’m not precisely certain of but whatever. Note to self: this fucking legal shit is hard and confusing.

Lien and Fucking Encumbrances

I have no knowledge of any fucking facts which would indicate that my title or possession of the aforementioned Ass would be called into question or dispute. Furthermore, to my fucking knowledge, my title has never been disputed, rejected, or questioned, but if you think you’re hard enough, bring it on, my friend. I’d like to see you fucking try.

In continuation, no fucking claim or action has been brought to my attention which questions my title or right to possession of the Ass, and to my knowledge, no actions are pending against me in any court… although I do have that public nudity charge from last week. Whatever, it’s natural, okay?

Fucking Purpose

This affidavit is being made as proof to the world, indeed the fucking galaxy, that Dom’s ass belongs to me now. His heart, too. It’s mine, bitches. And I love him fiercely.

Legally yours, or whatfuckingever,
Matthew James Bellamy
15 March 2015

(I was going to ask Chris to witness and sign this document but I was afraid he’d suggest, yet again, that I need help. Maybe next time. But probably not.)

Dominic put the paper down on the table and threw his head back in an epic series of giggles. Matthew grinned, flushing a bit at Dominic’s reaction. A few of the other restaurant patrons were staring at them now, but neither of them noticed. They were in their own little world.

“I don’t think most legal documents use the word fucking as much as this one did.”

“Most legal documents aren't drawn up by me at three in the morning.”

“Jesus, Matt. You are fucking crazy. Are you going to tattoo your name on it or something next?”

“Don’t give me ideas.”

“Jesus. What the fuck am I going to do with you?” Dominic asked, folding the paper carefully and putting it back into the glided envelope.

“Just thought that tonight, on the eve of this new era, that I’d stake my claim. Just in case you’d,” Matthew twirled his fork in the air, a mischievous glint in his eye, “forgotten.”

Dominic reached for Matthew’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “Forgotten? No,” he whispered, “that’s never going to happen.”

“Good,” Matthew whispered, standing up for a kiss, “because the dick documents will be delivered to you next week.”

Date: 2015-03-15 11:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I laughed so hard my parents might take my iPhone from me and tell me 12:17am is not a time to laugh this loud oops.

Omg :')

Date: 2015-03-15 11:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lol this is perfect. After the utter chaos on twitter tonight, I really needed a laugh.

"The dick documents" psml

Date: 2015-03-16 12:04 am (UTC)
ext_1380661: (Default)
From: [identity profile]
omfg I'm giggling like a maniac how much trouble will I be in if I print this out on proper parchment and everything and frame it?

omfg I'm just not even I'm dead from the lolz D pls ily <33333

PS also if you don't write the dick document fic I will I swear to god
Edited Date: 2015-03-16 12:06 am (UTC)

Date: 2015-03-16 01:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is officially fucking hilarious! So funny and the worst (or best) part is that I wouldn't put it past him to do this kind of thing!

Date: 2015-03-16 02:31 am (UTC)
amusedinred: (Default)
From: [personal profile] amusedinred


you are brilliant omg I love you

hilarious <333333333

Date: 2015-03-16 03:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh jeeze that's funny. Matt does own Dom's ass and vice versa.

Date: 2015-03-16 04:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I am 100% certain that he uses the word "fucking" exactly that often in conversation with Dom. Lmao. Loved it, you're brilliant as ever XD

Date: 2015-03-16 04:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks to you, I look like a lunatic from laughing so much :D This was fucking brilliant! I love it <3

Date: 2015-03-16 08:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You are fucking brilliant! My fucking idol. This had me in fucking fits straight after school while blasting that fucking Psycho song in a few brief moments when my delicate eared child was bouncing outside on the trampoline. Thank you for making my Monday fucking perfect! I fucking love you xxxxxxxxooooooooooooooo ,<3

Date: 2015-03-16 08:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I fucking love you. Will you fucking marry me already???

Date: 2015-03-16 12:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
oh god, what a fucking nutcase!!! very fucking sweet and fucking funny!! Thanks for sharing this fucking hilarity!!! lots of fucking love ;D <3

Date: 2015-03-17 02:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This was sooo funny, I loved it :D

Date: 2015-03-17 05:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tamar elmensdorp-lijzenga (from

"His heart, too. It’s mine, bitches. And I love him fiercely." aw, that's so cute :)

First that hilarious rude legal document and than this
" “Just thought that tonight, on the eve of this new era, that I’d stake my claim. Just in case you’d,” Matthew twirled his fork in the air, a mischievous glint in his eye, “forgotten.”

Dominic reached for Matthew’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “Forgotten? No,” he whispered, “that’s never going to happen.”

“Good,” Matthew whispered, standing up for a kiss, "
Only to be followed by this “because the dick documents will be delivered to you next week.”"


Date: 2015-03-21 02:47 pm (UTC)
mjartrod: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mjartrod
Gaaaawd, I love the non-au pieces, so happy to see more of these <3

This had me in stitches, also because I don't know if Matt would write that down, but I can definitely imagine him say all that and with a straight face hahaha

Date: 2015-03-21 08:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think this has to be one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Absolutely brilliant.

Date: 2015-03-23 11:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Matt's noticed how crazy we go when we hear the word fucking. Perhaps he's hoping for the same reaction from Dom. :P

Date: 2015-04-03 09:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm sorry this comment is late, but I fucking loved this. Fucking obviously.
XD never stop writing D, you are wonderful!!
*hugs tightly* <33

Date: 2015-04-11 09:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh my god, I'm laughing like crazy! That was so realistic. I knew you'd never pass the opportunity when this photo appeared.

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